yesterday...april fool.....1 April 1999 was the fool est day i ever had..... it's my sister 9th memorable day.....i know...it's april fool....i'm just a Standard 6 girl when that incident happened....my aunty came to class....just after recess...it was 10 something or 11 something....i was thinking why my aunty come and pick me up...are we going somewhere else??? being stupid....i just follow my aunty.....didn't ask anything...until someone tells me about it....i not sure who...whether it's my aunty or my brother....but this person say...we are going to the police station....your sister just pass away....i was shock.....unbelievable...i thought s/he was joking....i keep telling myself that it's an april fool joke.....but.....
my school is not far away from the police station....and we really heading there.....i stop my tears from rolling down my cheek.....i told myself it's not true...they were joking....sure joking...i just saw her before i left for school that morning....although she looks ill....due to high fever....she's still breathing.....i still can feel her warm.....nonono....i remind myself over and over again that it is not true.....they all were lying to me.....once they turned into the police station...i need to accept the fact...they were there to declare my sister's death and to get the death certificate.....argh....i still don't want to believe it.....after that, we head off to a place nearby....the hospital.....another place that i don't want to go..i used to like this place....where i can learn alot things.....but...not this time....my aunty brought me to my mum....we walked past many bed and patients.....my sister was not there....it's a children ward if i'm not mistaken....found my mum....mummy ask me don't sad....don't cry...sister not here already....straight away my tears roll down my cheeks....then, she brought me to her....beside the entrance....a bed behind the curtain...laid there...my sister...covered with a with cloth...i held her...she's still warm....still pink...i don't believe that she's not here anymore...i cried and cried....her looks shows that she's in pain before she left...her eyes and mouth were half open...my grandmother say it's because she couldn't leave us...."mm she tak"....so she don't allow us to cry....i walked out of the room....i saw my dad....watery eyes...first time i saw my dad cry...beside him...a guy...sell coffin...keep say price this and that...i was like...people just pass away there...you can't understand people's feeling abit.....straight away wan to do business...then, i saw the black color van....i don't know it for what...usually ambulance it's white in color....then someone told me it's for my sister...want to take her to mortuary...my mum didn't want to allow her there.....so dad agree with that stupid guy.....he asked us to return home..pick up stuff that she likes..clothes...and others.....and also sweets...for what??? for "tol"....so that she can pass through without having any problem...to think logically...if put inside...isn't the ants will come faster??? no idea.....
we cleaned up my sister.....put her on a blue or green dress....placed her in the small box....put her favorite pooh bear character together with her...didn't gave her the one she likes the most...because it's red in color....so put her the one in pajamas....put her belongings inside...as we almost finish....her nose starts to bleed...my heart sink....i was like...she's still alive..you see....she's still bleeding...she's not well....might be overly traumatize...the uncle there said that it's due to heart stop to pump the blood...so the blood vessel burst...nothing controlling the blood flow....i didn't want to believe it.....but i can't help but believing it....after awhile....it stopped....clean her up again...she now looks so beautiful...so peaceful....smiling....eyes close....my mum said she's like having her usual afternoon nap...really.....she looks completely like normal....but she's not there anymore...she have left us forever and ever...i still remember my mum told me to say goodbye to my sister...and i should not turn my head back to look at her when they close the coffin...we walked away.....i heard the celo tape sound....the hammering sound.....tears rolled down again.....
that night i couldn't sleep...i went over to my mum's room...i didn't sleep well...woke up 8 something in the morning...sat at the sofa....my mum came down and ask me....what happen.....i said "i miss her".....she's always there for me to play with her....she's only 19months....it's not a long time....and it's also not a short time.....but this period....make us bond with each other....when my mum give birth to her....she got some complication....high blood pressure....and she had to undergo cesarean....both were safe...the doctor said that she's healthy....but on the day they supposed to discharged....the doctor say that her intestine got infection...need to stay back....after that, she undergo some operation...one month in ICU...then, back home....when she's 6months old...she undergo another operation....although she lose lots of weigh...she's still healthy...a bit behind her normal motor development...she undergo physiotherapy.....play with balls and all....she's a cheerful little girl....cute...playful.....i used to get jealous with her when all the attention were focused on her....as she's the youngest.........but think back....i'm rather stupid i think.....i rather give her everything...to have her back by my side....to hear her breathing, laughing....grasping my finger with her baby hand.....i really really love you...sorry for everything....sorry for not being able to continue to be your sister..to take care of you......i miss you so much......
i used to have a small little space for her beside my bed...with a pillow and her pooh bear......every night i will talk to her before i sleep...my feelings and my emotions.....i don't know whether she can listen to me or not...not to say i'm spiritual....but then...many things had happened...and i learned from it....i have dreamed about her....i can feel her by my side....not hallucination....but she's really there....people had told me about it...we have tried before.....with a baby walker...when we say, daddy don't believe you are here.....press song song let daddy here...the walker music starts....my dad don't believe this...and then we say off it....then the music goes off.....we repeat it over and over again.....it really happened....maybe it's miracle...maybe she really don't want to leave us yet..she's not ready yet.....my aunty...can see....she expained to us how she looks like...what's she's wearing....the smell...and all sorts of things....she even ask...whether i gave her anything smells like strawberry...yes i did.....on her birthday or memorial day...i will buy sweets for her....then, she even asked me whether i have said this before...."han, jie don't know you can hear jie or not, if you really can hear jie tell jie k".....she told my aunty to tell me that she heard me....i didn't tell anyone before about it....so only she knows....many other things happened....i guess...sometimes things can't really be explained with scientific facts.....somethings are just too hard to explain.....you can choose to believe me....you can also choose not to believe me....it's up to you....just pouring out some of my feelings for yesterday.... :)
many people had come and go in my life......but not all will leave an impact on my life.......i will appreciate each and everyone of you...no matter how well you had treat me, how much you love me, how much you hate me, how much you trust me, how much we had in common, how much we communicate with each other, how often we meet each other, how well we know each other......as long as we have met before....we make friends...you will forever be in my heart......i might not be a perfect friend, a 100% girlfriend, an obedient daughter, a genius student, and so on......i will try my best to be the one that will suit all of you......i will be myself....the true self.....
there are plenty for me to learn somemore....and i will continue on with life..no matter how difficult life will be...life needs to go on.....i will face all this challenges.....with confidence.....i know you will be there....so, i'm not worried...i will try my best to strive for it.........
thank you for being my caring family, my loving boyfriend, my understanding friends, my warm society........
everything will be fine......today event will end today....and tomorrow will be a new beginning....a new beginning each day.....so, no worries.......
Till here....
my school is not far away from the police station....and we really heading there.....i stop my tears from rolling down my cheek.....i told myself it's not true...they were joking....sure joking...i just saw her before i left for school that morning....although she looks ill....due to high fever....she's still breathing.....i still can feel her warm.....nonono....i remind myself over and over again that it is not true.....they all were lying to me.....once they turned into the police station...i need to accept the fact...they were there to declare my sister's death and to get the death certificate.....argh....i still don't want to believe it.....after that, we head off to a place nearby....the hospital.....another place that i don't want to go..i used to like this place....where i can learn alot things.....but...not this time....my aunty brought me to my mum....we walked past many bed and patients.....my sister was not there....it's a children ward if i'm not mistaken....found my mum....mummy ask me don't sad....don't cry...sister not here already....straight away my tears roll down my cheeks....then, she brought me to her....beside the entrance....a bed behind the curtain...laid there...my sister...covered with a with cloth...i held her...she's still warm....still pink...i don't believe that she's not here anymore...i cried and cried....her looks shows that she's in pain before she left...her eyes and mouth were half open...my grandmother say it's because she couldn't leave us...."mm she tak"....so she don't allow us to cry....i walked out of the room....i saw my dad....watery eyes...first time i saw my dad cry...beside him...a guy...sell coffin...keep say price this and that...i was like...people just pass away there...you can't understand people's feeling abit.....straight away wan to do business...then, i saw the black color van....i don't know it for what...usually ambulance it's white in color....then someone told me it's for my sister...want to take her to mortuary...my mum didn't want to allow her there.....so dad agree with that stupid guy.....he asked us to return home..pick up stuff that she likes..clothes...and others.....and also sweets...for what??? for "tol"....so that she can pass through without having any problem...to think logically...if put inside...isn't the ants will come faster??? no idea.....
we cleaned up my sister.....put her on a blue or green dress....placed her in the small box....put her favorite pooh bear character together with her...didn't gave her the one she likes the most...because it's red in color....so put her the one in pajamas....put her belongings inside...as we almost finish....her nose starts to bleed...my heart sink....i was like...she's still alive..you see....she's still bleeding...she's not well....might be overly traumatize...the uncle there said that it's due to heart stop to pump the blood...so the blood vessel burst...nothing controlling the blood flow....i didn't want to believe it.....but i can't help but believing it....after awhile....it stopped....clean her up again...she now looks so beautiful...so peaceful....smiling....eyes close....my mum said she's like having her usual afternoon nap...really.....she looks completely like normal....but she's not there anymore...she have left us forever and ever...i still remember my mum told me to say goodbye to my sister...and i should not turn my head back to look at her when they close the coffin...we walked away.....i heard the celo tape sound....the hammering sound.....tears rolled down again.....
that night i couldn't sleep...i went over to my mum's room...i didn't sleep well...woke up 8 something in the morning...sat at the sofa....my mum came down and ask me....what happen.....i said "i miss her".....she's always there for me to play with her....she's only 19months....it's not a long time....and it's also not a short time.....but this period....make us bond with each other....when my mum give birth to her....she got some complication....high blood pressure....and she had to undergo cesarean....both were safe...the doctor said that she's healthy....but on the day they supposed to discharged....the doctor say that her intestine got infection...need to stay back....after that, she undergo some operation...one month in ICU...then, back home....when she's 6months old...she undergo another operation....although she lose lots of weigh...she's still healthy...a bit behind her normal motor development...she undergo physiotherapy.....play with balls and all....she's a cheerful little girl....cute...playful.....i used to get jealous with her when all the attention were focused on her....as she's the youngest.........but think back....i'm rather stupid i think.....i rather give her everything...to have her back by my side....to hear her breathing, laughing....grasping my finger with her baby hand.....i really really love you...sorry for everything....sorry for not being able to continue to be your sister..to take care of you......i miss you so much......
i used to have a small little space for her beside my bed...with a pillow and her pooh bear......every night i will talk to her before i sleep...my feelings and my emotions.....i don't know whether she can listen to me or not...not to say i'm spiritual....but then...many things had happened...and i learned from it....i have dreamed about her....i can feel her by my side....not hallucination....but she's really there....people had told me about it...we have tried before.....with a baby walker...when we say, daddy don't believe you are here.....press song song let daddy here...the walker music starts....my dad don't believe this...and then we say off it....then the music goes off.....we repeat it over and over again.....it really happened....maybe it's miracle...maybe she really don't want to leave us yet..she's not ready yet.....my aunty...can see....she expained to us how she looks like...what's she's wearing....the smell...and all sorts of things....she even ask...whether i gave her anything smells like strawberry...yes i did.....on her birthday or memorial day...i will buy sweets for her....then, she even asked me whether i have said this before...."han, jie don't know you can hear jie or not, if you really can hear jie tell jie k".....she told my aunty to tell me that she heard me....i didn't tell anyone before about it....so only she knows....many other things happened....i guess...sometimes things can't really be explained with scientific facts.....somethings are just too hard to explain.....you can choose to believe me....you can also choose not to believe me....it's up to you....just pouring out some of my feelings for yesterday.... :)
many people had come and go in my life......but not all will leave an impact on my life.......i will appreciate each and everyone of you...no matter how well you had treat me, how much you love me, how much you hate me, how much you trust me, how much we had in common, how much we communicate with each other, how often we meet each other, how well we know each other......as long as we have met before....we make friends...you will forever be in my heart......i might not be a perfect friend, a 100% girlfriend, an obedient daughter, a genius student, and so on......i will try my best to be the one that will suit all of you......i will be myself....the true self.....
there are plenty for me to learn somemore....and i will continue on with life..no matter how difficult life will be...life needs to go on.....i will face all this challenges.....with confidence.....i know you will be there....so, i'm not worried...i will try my best to strive for it.........
thank you for being my caring family, my loving boyfriend, my understanding friends, my warm society........
everything will be fine......today event will end today....and tomorrow will be a new beginning....a new beginning each day.....so, no worries.......
Till here....
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